By The Rivers Of Babble-On

So this post is a thing a mate posted somewhere. As far as I can tell, it's an Internet meme that claims to be "real metaphors" taken from "real essays" somewhere. Where they're supposed to be from changes a lot, as do the metaphors from time to time. I think the idea is to point out how stupid the students who wrote them are.
So, two things. The grammar Nazi in me wants to point out that they're not metaphors - they're all similes, dumbshits. Also, they're not stupid. They're brilliant. It takes real imagination to come up with stuff like this. I wish more people wrote like it. Except the one with the bowling balls - that's a Douglas Adams rip-off.

Enjoy.


The following metaphors were found in New South Wales Year 12 English essays in 2003.

* Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

* She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature prime English beef.

* She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

* Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

* He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

* The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

* The little boat gently drifted across the pond - exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

* He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

* McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

* From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Sex in the City" comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

* Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

* The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot oil.

* John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

* He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

* She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.

* She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

* It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

* Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

* The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

* The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

* "Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted; her breasts heaving like a university student on $1-a-beer night.

* He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

* The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.